The Po Show

New Numbers

I saw a number when I stepped on the scale this morning, one I'd never seen before when I was not in the third trimester of pregnancy. I realize it's terribly self-indulgent to complain about my weight, but if I can't be self-indulgent in my own blog, where can I be?

Yes, I'm in the heaviest part of another obnoxiously heavy period, and that could add on some weight. But I was surprised, and the numbers rolled through my head.

I weigh 34 pounds more (almost a whole Tessa!) than I did at my lowest point, which occurred around Tessa's first birthday almost 3 years ago. Yes, I recognize the fact that I was grossly underweight at that time, mostly due to being so depressed that I stopped eating (and I was breastfeeding full time). But still.

I weigh 23 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with Tessa, which I think was a very good weight for me.

I weigh 18 pounds more than I did when I got married, and boy I looked thin and great then!

I weigh only about 4 pounds more than I did last year, but I have SO MUCH more fat on me than I did then, as evidenced by my not being able to fit in a lot of clothes that fit last year (and these were "fat" clothes that I bought to fit the new fat me).

I just cannot adjust to all this extra me. I don't eat all that much. I do eat junk, but not in huge quantities. I drink more than I used to, but then I used to not drink much. I have 1-2 drinks a night, hardly a huge amount of calories. I am not and will never be the go to the gym type, but I do get exercise on a sort of regular basis. We went on two hikes over spring break and the kids and I walked to the post office and back (a mile each way). I was on Paxil for 2 years, and I'm positive that was the cause of all this weight gain, but what happens now that I'm off? I don't think the weight miraculously melts off.

I'm just rambling, because I'm so pissed at this new body I have. And I know that a million women would literally give a limb to be the size I am, but coming from where I was, and the body I was used to, this really sucks.

Oh, and how unfair is it that I weigh so much more and STILL DON'T HAVE BOOBS!