The Po Show

The White Stuff

No, not that white stuff. I mean snow. We got our first NY snow early this morning, and some still clung to the car and the fence this morning. So Tessa had to get dressed and have her first taste of snow of the season. Of course I got pix.

We looked on weather.com and saw that they got like 8 inches of snow in Boston last night. So that's what we would have had, had we not moved south. It's only the second week of November! I'm glad to be in a relatively warmer place, but somehow wistful. I loved it there, despite the cold.

Matthew has his last soccer class (it's a "clinic" rather than competitive soccer, just to help the kids learn skills, and he's not that into it) tomorrow. It's going to be about 37 ("feels like 30") at 10 in the morning, so I guess it's a good thing it's the last class. Tessa is still, after nine weeks, still annoyed that she does not have soccer class. She is also annoyed every Saturday morning when Ross takes Matthew to his swimming class ("But what about ME?,"
she always asks). The one class I was able to sign her up for, Pre-Ballet, which she was utterly adorable at, and loved, the one and only time she got to go, was cancelled by the Parks and Rec. Dept. for lack of sign ups. The other possible classes all coincided with her nursery school, or with picking up Matthew from school. She still talks about her ballet class, as though it still is ongoing. Poor baby. I looked into signing her up for Little Gym, till I found out that the classes were about $35 each. Umm, no. We're waiting to see what the city offers for the winter session.

Man, this was a boring post! Talking about the weather, and the kids' extracurricular activities. Guess I should go to bed, it being 12:30AM and I'm two glasses of wine down for the evening.

Why did I think it important to keep writing in my blog??

While I'm Back

So since our great National Tragedy brought me back to my blog, I decided I will make a better effort to stay back.

What's going on here in White Plains, NY, birthplace of the state of New York? It's getting freaking cold. And we seem to be adjusting. It was 46 degrees tonight when we went out to get Ross at the train station, and Tessa refused to wear her jacket or put on shoes and socks. 46, and she's barefoot. It was 57 today at midday, and I found it too hot for my own jacket. Wow, two years ago in CA I would have been bitching up a storm over 57 degrees.

Now yesterday, that was cold. 27 ("feels like 19" proclaimed weather.com) when we got up in the morning. We took Matthew to school, stood with him outside with his class line, and I wondered exactly how freaking cold it has to get before they let these poor kids go straight to their classrooms. Tessa loved it; she loves her winter clothes. She can't wait to eat snow again. Matthew claims he will never leave indoors again once it starts to snow.

eBay is my work, and my world outside of the kids and the house. I haven't made a single friend yet. I see my husband so little now, compared to our lives before. I drink every single night, for the first time in my life.

I can't decide if I'm happy or not. I guess it depends on the moment. I tried to wean myself off Paxil, but it didn't go well. I still snap my pills in half most days.

I need to go for a physical. I need to go to the dentist for a cleaning. I need to find a therapist. I need to do something with my life besides buying thousands of dollars worth of stuff at Gymboree and selling it on eBay. I need to clean the shower.

I need a lot of things right now.

What I Got

Look at me, so chatty again. National tragedy just brings out the gab in me I guess.

But really, this is about coming out of the fog. After yesterday's entry, I was driving to pick up Tessa from nursery school and the DJ on the radio just came onto his shift. He said he was tired, and asked if we thought it was because a) he'd been hanging out late with [some chick from some band I didn't recognize], b) drinking brews with his buds, or c) watching Wolf Blitzer. He said it was, sadly, c. Sad, for so many reasons.

Then he started playing Sublime's "What I Got," one of my all time favorite songs and I suddenly I cranked it and started to feel more human again.

Love is, what I got.
I said, remember that.

Yes, indeed. We still have our love, in the midst of all this hate. We CAN make the world the best it can be for our children, despite the odds. It won't be ideal, it may not even be great, but it can be good, dammit.

The DJ obviously had a theme going, as he then launched into Modest Mouse and "Float On."

Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on.
All right, already, we'll all float on.

Things are heavy, like my heart, but here we go, my friends, those of you I love. We'll all float on, because love is, what we got.

Walking Wounded

Look, here I am again. It looks like it took a national tragedy like yesterday's election to bring me back to my blog. I feel dazed (and not only because I got like three non-consecutive hours of sleep), with that feeling of being underwater or in a dream. That feeling you get when something inexplicably awful happens, like someone gets hit by a car right in front of you.

Or when somebody you love dies.

Like many of you like-minded folks (if anyone is actually reading this!), I am completely at a loss as to how this could have happened. I guess that was the real source of my optimism about the election, that I just couldn't believe that that many people REALLY BOUGHT all the bullshit this administration has been peddling. How could that be? These people who I see at the grocery store and at my children's schools. How could they be so fucking blind?

Oh, I know, that's so intolerant of me. Some people I actually like and admire and count as my friends are Bush supporters. But they certainly aren't my friends and certainly aren't admirable to me because they are Bush supporters, but in spite of that fact.

Certainly it's not the end of the world. There's no rioting in the streets, though I sure as hell feel like throwing some rocks. Life goes on. My kids don't even know what happened and I'll be working to make sure it stays like that.

But I feel like a huge chunk has been ripped out of my heart, that the country I live in would make the CHOICE to let hatred and stupidity reign.

F*ck, I'm out of it. Gin and tonic and a beer under my metaphorical belt. I meant I *CAN'T* bear the thought of another Bush term. Geez.... Oh, the anxious scared shitless part may have something to do with it too. Made me come back to my blog after two months, after all.

What Happened...

to my cautious optimism??? I find myself scared shitless right now.

Perhaps it was that I could bear the thought of another 4 years of Bush. Perhaps it was because I'm just so preoccupied with ebay and surviving SAHMhood right now. Perhaps it was because I have so little brain currently. But I have not let myself get worked up about the election. I just refused to believe that Kerry was not going to be the next president. Or rather, that that imbecile in the White House was going to be president again.

But looking at the election returns come in, I'm scared. I was increasingly anxious all day (TC, this is all your fault! I was fine till I read your blog entry today!!! Then I started frantically taking out the trash and getting together the recycling and doing laundry, anything to keep myself occupied).

I have thought a lot today, not of 2000, which was such a shock to me, but of 1992. Oh, how I remember sitting with Ross and our friend Scott in our sparsely furnished apartment in Honolulu, watching the results come in, feeling an exhilarating sense of optimism for the future. It was heady.

Oh, how I want to feel that again...

I ain't going to bed anytime soon...