The Po Show

Summertime

And the livin's not so easy :p. Actually the first three official days of summer vacation have been all right. I haven't done too much screaming at the children and they haven't watched TV all day every day, so I'm considering it all a victory so far.

I have to admit that I have been somewhat terrified by the prospect of summer beginning. I mourned the loss of my time alone before it even ended. The last week of Tessa's school at the beginning of June found me internally roiling in the face of the loss of my two and a half hours, three days a week. And facing Matthew's last week of school last week, and the idea of being with both kids 24/7, mostly by myself, was very depressing.

What kind of a shitty mother am I, who doesn't want to be with her precious children??? They are all I ever really wanted in life. I love them so much it's hard to breathe; it's a wonderful, powerful ache. So why do I feel so horrible about having to be with them?

The answer is that I just don't want to be with them all the time, particularly when it's just the three of us. I get too overwhelmed by the constant barrage of need and demand and expectation. And it is CONSTANT. It's hard enough with just one of them, or when I have Ross around to take care of one's need/demand when I take care of the other, but doing it all myself gets to be more than I can handle.

Is it always going to be this way? Is it going to get better as they get older? I think it will, but not for a good long time. Matthew is in some ways more self-sufficient and less demanding of my time and attention than Tessa is, but not by much. Both kids are very very high needs. And I'm pretty freaking touchy these days (for the last three years, really) and way more prone to yelling than I used to be. I KNOW I used to be a lot more patient and I wish I could get it back, but I just feel like I used up all my reserves a long time ago.

Of course, you all will say, someday they won't want much to do with me and I'll mourn the loss of how much they needed me. But right now I'm just trying to make it to September!

The Year in Review

All right, we won't talk about the fact that I haven't posted here in almost two months. Time flies when you're having a nervous breakdown! Well, not really, but...anyways, I bin bizzy.

We've lived in New York for a year now. Yow. The quintessential California family living not only on the Wrong Coast, but in the state that has stood as the polar opposite of our beloved Golden State. What are my thoughts on the year that has just passed...I'm trying to figure it out.

All in all, it was a good year for the kids. Matthew had a wonderful year overall, after such a rocky start. Everyone has just raved about how much progress he's made over the course of the year. Not enough that anyone suggests actually reducing his services (and actually they suggested adding an additional service, a social skills class) but that's okay with us. We WANT him to get these services. They have made all the difference, particularly his having his one on one aide.

But the single most stunning leap Matthew made this year was that he made a friend, with a capital F. They are just great together, they totally love hanging out together. It's interesting to me that he finally latched onto another Aspie; you'd think they'd just be too much together, but somehow it works better than being with a "normal" kid. I see in Jeremy so many of Matthew's quirks, and I suppose they relate to each other better because they are similarly quirky.

Tessa had a dazzling year, wowing everyone at her school with her sunny personality and all the amazing things she can do. She loved the arts and crafts, loved the singing and dancing, loved the pretend play, loved playing outside on their amazing playground. She definitely has a public and private persona, and they always got the sweet happy public side of her at school (guess who the whiny, demanding private persona is reserved for :p?). She loved her ballet classes, loved the recitals, and definitely will continue with those in the fall.

And me? I went back to being a SAHM this year, but it was definitely different from my SAHM year in Davis. I was the ebay queen this year, and it consumed me. I spent practically every free moment shopping and selling. It became my channel for my OCD tendencies and I guess it was more positive than certain alternatives. I suppose I felt less like driving the car into telephone poles than I did the year we were in Davis, so I suppose that is for the good.

Ross was gone this year, for the first time in all the years we've been together, he was really gone. He'd be gone before I woke up in the morning, and he'd come home after the sun went down during the winter. 13 hours a day, gone. I suppose we've adjusted, but it's still a hard thing to deal with. His job has been absolutely less than fulfilling, so the time gone hasn't even been nourishing time for him. He's stoic about it, like everything, but I've missed him.

And New York itself? Well, slap me down and call me Franny, but I've found that I really do Heart New York. I love the city, though I don't think we could live there with kids even if we didn't have to worry about Matthew and the services he needs. I love Zabar's and H&H bagels with a passion. Much of what I love about places centers around food, and there's a lot of good food in these parts. Claude's almond croissants in the Village are the single finest item you can buy for $1.50. We love love love the Central Park Zoo and the Park in general. I love the energy of the city (in limited doses of course, since we're never there for long).

White Plains has been great for us too. It's a good sized place, absolutely manageable and navigatible for directionally challenged me. Plenty of green, playgrounds, shopping. Two Gymborees, what more could I want? Lots of diversity, which is sort of a lame catch word but still refreshing in reality after some of the places we've lived recently.

Have I been happy here this year? Is that a relevant question? Mostly I feel RELIEF that we will continue to live here after this summer is over, unlike the last THREE summers, which have each led to a new city/new house/new school for Matthew.

I don't know if New York is going to become home, but it is for now.