The Po Show

Summertime

And the livin's not so easy :p. Actually the first three official days of summer vacation have been all right. I haven't done too much screaming at the children and they haven't watched TV all day every day, so I'm considering it all a victory so far.

I have to admit that I have been somewhat terrified by the prospect of summer beginning. I mourned the loss of my time alone before it even ended. The last week of Tessa's school at the beginning of June found me internally roiling in the face of the loss of my two and a half hours, three days a week. And facing Matthew's last week of school last week, and the idea of being with both kids 24/7, mostly by myself, was very depressing.

What kind of a shitty mother am I, who doesn't want to be with her precious children??? They are all I ever really wanted in life. I love them so much it's hard to breathe; it's a wonderful, powerful ache. So why do I feel so horrible about having to be with them?

The answer is that I just don't want to be with them all the time, particularly when it's just the three of us. I get too overwhelmed by the constant barrage of need and demand and expectation. And it is CONSTANT. It's hard enough with just one of them, or when I have Ross around to take care of one's need/demand when I take care of the other, but doing it all myself gets to be more than I can handle.

Is it always going to be this way? Is it going to get better as they get older? I think it will, but not for a good long time. Matthew is in some ways more self-sufficient and less demanding of my time and attention than Tessa is, but not by much. Both kids are very very high needs. And I'm pretty freaking touchy these days (for the last three years, really) and way more prone to yelling than I used to be. I KNOW I used to be a lot more patient and I wish I could get it back, but I just feel like I used up all my reserves a long time ago.

Of course, you all will say, someday they won't want much to do with me and I'll mourn the loss of how much they needed me. But right now I'm just trying to make it to September!