The Po Show

Sorry to Leave You Hanging

Sorry I never came back to update on my hormonally induced madness. I actually thought about it, something along the lines of

"My period started yesterday. I cried into my pillow last night. Not much ambivalent about that."

But I didn't.

I actually told Ross after the fact that I had thought I might be pregnant, though I figured there was no way I really was, and that I was very, very sad that I was not. I applied all the appropriate caveats of "I know it's crazy...." and the requisite "and I know it's for the best...," and ended with "But I'm sad."

Insert tear filled eyes and twisted smile...

Oh well, it's past. And as he said, "But I thought you were barely managing with the kids you have."

We're coming off two housebound days (where were *you* during the Blizzard of '06?), with tons of snowfall yesterday and a snow day off school today. Yes, a baby added to this mix would have been stressful.

It's not meant to be, and it won't be. When will I stop being wistful, and sometimes downright sad, about that? When I'm done with menopause? When I'm on my deathbed? Will there ever be a time that I'm not sad I didn't have one more child? If I'd had one more, would *that* have been enough? Or would I have been wistful when the third child got older?

We always quote "Raising Arizona," my all time favorite movie. Frances McDormand and that guy that was on the Tracy Ullman Show are this awful couple with this slew of horrible bratty children. The guy asks the Nick Cage character how he and Holly Hunter got an adoptive baby so fast, since "something went wrong with my semen" and he and his wife want to adopt another baby.

He says, "Me, I don't really need any more kids, but Dot says these ones is getting too big to cuddle."

Tessa still crawls into my lap several times a day, and even Matthew still snuggles up next to me on the couch and rubs his head against my shoulder, but yeah, they's getting too big to cuddle. I would love a baby to really cuddle. But once again, it's not a good reason to have a baby. That one would get too big to cuddle too.

So we live this life, the one we have, and I'll focus on the joy my babies give me, and will always give me, irregardless of their cuddlability. I'm blessed beyond words.