The Po Show

Leap of Faith

One of the truly bummer things about being agnostic is having no one to ask for help when you need it.

I knew a lovely older lady when I worked at McLean Hospital, outside Boston, who was a very devout Catholic. She had clearly needed her faith, having been widowed early, with two young sons to provide for. But she took her prayers to what I considered extraordinary lengths. She told me once about how she was shopping for a sari, which she needed to wear to a wedding of some Indian friends, and she prayed to God that she could find one. She found one she loved, and again prayed to the Lord, that it would be within her budget. The sari ended up being on sale, so she could buy it, and she offered thanks. I thought, wow, that is some serious micromanaging by God, to involve Himself in shopping.

So who do I ask for help now? I had to pick Matthew up in the office today, because he'd hit a kid with his lunchbox and had a really rough day in general. He was calm by the time I got there, sitting at desk in the office, reading a book about Harriet Tubman. What do I do? Who can tell me what to do about my child, who doesn't know why he suddenly pushed a girl walking past his desk. Individual therapy, group therapy, psychiatric analysis, atypical antipsychotic. This is what we're doing, and what else do we do? It's times like this I really think faith would be comforting.

We got our copy of his IEP in the mail today, and they LEFT OUT the provision for his one to one aide. The ONE thing he absolutely must have, the one service that I am absolutely not willing to have them take away. So now I have to bitch and moan to them that they left it out. I do not need this. But it has to be officially codified, not slipped in under "additional provisions" that "enhanced staffing" would be provided. We NEED an aide to be in his IEP, listed explicitly, so when we take his IEP to whatever new school district we end up in, they have to, by law, give him an aide.

Which brings me to another shitty thing that happened today, that Ross told me that I have to prepare for the possibility that we may have to move in the middle of the next school year. He said that of course it would be better to move in the summer, but if he doesn't find a job in CA by then we would have to be back here for the next school year. I have been operating under the assumption that the kids and I were not coming back to NY when we leave on July 2, but I guess that was an inappropriate leap of faith. Silly me.

People keep telling me that they are praying for me, praying that everything works out for us and we can move back to CA, where we need to be. I'm uncomfortable with this, but I always thank the person. I'm more comfortable with other expressions of faith, of wishful thinking, when people tell me that they're keeping their fingers (and all other appendages) crossed for us.

As my sister so eloquently said recently, we may not be religious, but we are superstitious.