The Po Show

Update

Thank you all, so very much, for the hugs and good wishes and hopes for understanding.

So I actually got more information from Matthew than he usually gives, though that information is still very confused and confusing. He said that what set him off in gym was that they were choosing gym partners by number (each child received a number and was paired with the child who received the same number). He had number 4, but "for some reason" he was not paired with the other boy who had number 4. Another child got paired with that child, and Matthew was going to be assigned a different partner. He got very upset, because he was supposed to be with the other kid who had number 4. So he went and pushed the boy who was "taking" his partner.

And then he doesn't remember what happened after that. He really doesn't. I believe I can tell when he's avoiding something or refusing to discuss something (he'll generally say, "I don't know" or "I don't remember"), but in this case I can see in his face that he genuinely does not remember hitting the gym teacher. The next thing he remembers is her telling him that he hit her, and being taken down to the office.

He's had brain scans, and he has no seizure activity. I think what's going on here is a little PTSD-like blankness. He was just utterly freaked out by not understanding what was going on, by an unexpected occurrence, by "the rules" not being followed. Then he escalated up past the losing it stage and his forebrain took a vacation. I don't know, and there's really no way of knowing.

It creates a problem (not that there wasn't already enough problems) in dealing with the aftermath. Part of what we were supposed to do yesterday during his suspension day was write an apology to the gym teacher (this was my pronouncement, not the school's). But as we tried, I realized that it's really hard to write someone an apology when you don't think you did the thing you're supposed to apologize for. I tried to put it into terms of "Even if you accidentally do something, and didn't mean to, you still have to say you're sorry." But if you REALLY believe that you DID NOT do that thing, accidentally or otherwise, it's really hard to apologize.

I spoke to the school psychologist (who is really great and Matthew truly believes that she cares about him and wants to help him). She's been in contact with the gym teacher, but hasn't seen her personally because she only comes in on the days she teaches gym (2 days per 6 school day cycle, so she wouldn't be back at school till this Friday). The gym teacher said that Matthew had gotten upset that he wasn't paired with the kid who'd gotten the same number. The reason that the other kid was paired with someone else was that he didn't want to be paired with Matthew. She thought that Matthew picked up on the fact that the other kid didn't want to be with him, and that was what made him upset.

I sort of laughed and said, "Well, that's what OTHER kids would get upset about." I actually had guessed that that had been the reason that the number 4 kid had gotten another partner, because I guessed that Matthew has alienated most of the kids in his grade since last spring. But of course Matthew didn't catch that at all, didn't even mention it, totally didn't understand why the rules of who was partnered with whom were not being followed. And that was what set him off. Just another glaring example of my poor child's inability to navigate the world. (BTW, the reason I'm sure that he never realized that the number 4 kid didn't want to be his partner was that he went and pushed the OTHER kid who was "taking" his partner. If he'd realized the number 4 kid didn't want to be with him, he'd have pushed HIM.)

So the school psychologist is setting up a behavioral intervention for all specials, with extra emphasis on gym. She's going to come into gym and observe what's going on, and try and identify the potential triggers, so we can figure out how best to modify his activities.

We'll see how that goes. On Friday I cried in the principal's office and said, "I just don't know if he can go to a regular school." I still wonder if that will prove to be the case. Which would be a real shame, since he's been trying very hard in class. They started his behavioral chart last week and on Wed. and Thurs. he had what he calls a "perfect day," in which he gets the maximum number of checks in all categories. I pulled out his communication notebook after we got home on Friday, and saw that up till gym, the last activity of the day, he'd been having another "perfect day." That made me want to cry again.

Oh, and on top of all of this, I got sick on Friday. Late in the morning I was feeling warm and sweaty, and like a dork all I thought was, "Oh, it must be getting warm outside." In the early afternoon I stood up from my desk and got really dizzy, so I went and took my temperature. It was almost 100. Duh, I guess I'm sick. That definitely didn't help my ability to deal with what I encountered at school pick-up.

Ross kept taking the kids out during the weekend so I could rest, but I just couldn't. I'd lie down and start thinking about Matthew and get all overwrought again. I haven't slept much; I keep getting up to read because I can't stand lying awake in the dark. I've been staying on the couch because I can't stand listening to Ross sleep (even when he's not snoring) while I can't.

Tonight is Open House for Matthew's class (Tessa's was last week and I sent Ross). We'll both go, and a friend is coming to watch the kids. Part of me doesn't want to go, doesn't want to see the teachers and other parents, who are only concerned with curriculum and field trips and other normal school stuff. I'm going to try and see if we can keep my child in the school at all.